That should've been me
by jedwarding
Summary: Short story based on a tumblr post " What if James from Third Star was actually Sherlock's twin. And he got cancer and died and Sherlock didn't..."
1. Chapter 1

_**Oh god. My mind just went to a bad place. It just said " What if James from Third Star was actually Sherlock's twin. And he got cancer and died and Sherlock didn't and that's why Sherlock wont let himself get emotionally close to anyone anymore and why he values everyone elses life over his own because HE THINKS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIM because Sherlock was the genius but James was the one everyone loved."**_

_I had a this.. bad feeling. I couldn't fall asleep. My twin brother James wasn't in the bed next to me. He was on a trip with his friends. I was constantly worried about him. But tonight I was more then worried , I was scared. I was warm and I had my body hurt. Not much , but a little bit. And all I could think of was James, how he was doing and if he still was alive. He must be alive. He can't die yet. It's not time yet. After a few minutes the pain disappeared. I closed my eyes and I finally fell asleep. _

_I opened my eyes. And as usual I looked next to me. The bed was empty. I sighed and got up. I went down to mom and dad and sis . They were sitting around the kitchen table eating breakfast. I sat down on one of the empty chairs. I started eating my sandwich and stare on something outside. _

"_Sherlock, are you alright? You look very tired", said mom._

"_I couldn't fall asleep last night"_

"_Why not?", asked sis._

"_I was worried about.. James."_

"_Oh..", _

_Mom looked down and I continued staring out the window. I knew all of them couldn't fall asleep either. I could see it. In their bodylanguages and their choice of clothes. I remembered when me and James used to look at the people outside and I told him where they lived, what they were on their way too and if they were single or not. James used to say that I was a genius. I used to say that he was the loved one. He admired me and I admired him. And when he got cancer, I supported him and I never left his side. But he didn't want me to come with them on the trip. I didn't know why, he just told me that he wanted to hang out with his friend, without me. I was a little hurt by it, but if that was what he really wanted, then that was okay for me. _

_The rest of the day was boring. I was just walking around the house, I had nothing too do. I was watching tv when I started to feel sleepy. And then I fell asleep._

_I was standing next to James and Bill. James was lying in Bills arms and he looked exhausted. Suddenly James other friends joined us . After a couple of minutes they helped James to stand. When he stood up he looked at me. And he smiled at me. I smiled back. James took of his socks and gave the blanket to Bill. He started to walk out in to the ocean. I tried to scream at him to stop and to get the hell out of the water. But I couldn't . I could just swim after him. His friends swimmed out after awhile too. I thought they were going to take him out of the water. They didn't. They swimmed with him, like me. My heart was beating fast. What was he doing? I tried to scream again. I still couldn't. One of his friends started to sink. So Bill took him to the beach again. Both of them was crying. James waved goodbye to them both. No I was scared and I was crying as well. I was tryin to grab James but it was like I was a ghost or something. I couldn't grab his arm. James stopped and Miles as well. They started talking to eachother but I couldn't hear what they were saying. James disappeared under the water. I dived down to him. It was just me and him in the water in that moment. _

"_Sherlock", he whispered in the water._

_He looked at me. I could swear he was looking right into my eyes. _

"_James", I shouted._

_He smiled at me and then Miles was with us too. James grabbed his shirt and Miles put his hands on James's. He was holding James down. I started too cry more. I was screaming at him. He was going to drown. He was committing suicide. James stopped moving. He turned his head my way right before Miles let go of him in he sank down into the darkness. _

_Mom was shaking me and screaming my name._

"_Sherlock! What's wrong ?"_

_The phone started ringing. I quickly got up and answered. _

"_Hello?", my voice was shaking and I was still crying._

"_Sherlock..", It was Bill._

_I ran upstairs and locked the door to our room. _

"_Tell me the truth Bill, DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!", I shouted._

"_Sherlock , I can't lie to you. Not about this –"_

"_WHAT HAPPENED?", I shouted again._

"_He , well helped him to commit suicide" Bill started crying again._

_I dropped the phone. And I collapsed on the floor._

_It should've been me. I was the hated one. The 'genius'. No one liked me. But everyone loved James. He was the loved one. The one everyone wanted to be friends with. My twin James. My lovely twin brother James had cancer. I should've had cancer. My twin brother James comittede suicide. I should've been the one that committed suicide. Not him. Not the 'loved one'. The pain in my chest was horrible. And it was like every tear burned my skin. James knew I was there before he died. He wanted me too. What I dreamt really happened. _

"Sherlock?", said John.

"I asked you if you wanted coffe?"

"Uhm.. Black two sugars ."

I rubbed my eyes . I was in my new flat. With my new flatmate John. And I was trying to forget my past. John was one of those 'loved ones'. It felt good to have one of those around. Sometimes I imagined that he was James. I made me feel happy, for a while. After a while it just hurt.

I miss James.

**This isn't really good but whatever. It has been in my head for a while. And it was better in my head.**

**But I hope you enjoyed :D**


	2. Btw!

Btw , I'm swedish , I'm so so sorry if there's anything wrong


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